Hi readers,
I’ve been wrestling with this blog for a few weeks, which is part of the reason why I’ve been so AWOL lately. The other parts of my absence have to do with a summer full of fun family trips, huge house projects, and working on achieving some of my own personal goals (I’m working my way through a few advanced yoga poses, and it’s time consuming and hard!!). All things to be thankful for, to be sure, but this topic has finally reached the point where it demands to be written! And so, here I am.
The topic I’m covering for today is one that I know to be very sensitive. I know it cuts deep for many people, myself included.
We need to stop verbally abusing ourselves.
I can’t say it enough, I can’t emphasize it enough, I can’t point it out to my friends and family enough. Too many of us have a habit of self-abusing, or negative self-talk.
As human beings, we all have that inner monologue running in the back of our minds as we go about our days. That inner voice helps us think, helps us work through problems, helps us express ourselves, helps us process the situations we encounter. But here’s the thing I’ve noticed in my personal experience, as well as in witnessing others: That voice in our minds has a propensity for becoming a constant critic, and nothing productive.
Many factors can influence the way we perceive our self-worth: genetics (i.e., depression); the people around us (i.e., that voice in our heads tends to take on the form of someone close to us, like a parent or a teacher from whom we crave acceptance); environmental factors (i.e., a culture that revolts against anyone who doesn’t fit the ‘norm’). From a young age, we are taught to categorize everything we encounter:
Can you find the blue crayons? Which one of these is bigger? What is this creature?
It’s an educational technique that has a purpose to help us learn the names of the things around us. But studies have shown that it leads us to compare things, people, and ourselves in order to ascertain value.
Purple is my favorite color. The bigger cookie is the better cookie. Gross, it’s a bug!
It’s far too easy to shift from categorizing other things to categorizing yourself.
She’s so much prettier than me; I’m ugly. He’s so much better at public speaking; I suck. They’re so cute together; I’ll never be that happy.
Without even noticing, we ascribe ourselves value based on our skewed perceptions of what we should be, instead of who we are.
And I’m here to ask you, to beg you, to implore you: STOP IT. Too often I hear clients, friends, and family lament with the words, “I’m fat.” Too often I’m told, “You don’t know what it’s like to struggle and be unhappy because you aren’t fat.” or “Your life must be perfect because you’re skinny.” It honestly breaks my heart to write this, and to hear it from your mouth.
Your value as a human and the value of your human experience have nothing to do with your size, or your weight, or the color of your hair. Your happiness is not dependent upon the number sewed into your jeans or the one that pops up on the scale. Your ability to be loved has nothing to do with how fast you run, or how much weight you bench press, or how closely you resemble photo-shopped celebrities. And neither does mine.
I’m not saying that you should view the world through rosy-tinted blinders, but rather that we should all take a breath and a step back from our knee-jerk negative self talk.
Because you AREN’T fat. Your body carries fat; all bodies do. Maybe you carry more than you’d like to. But that isn’t who you are as a person.
And maybe you find them to be attractive, but that doesn’t remove your own attractiveness and it doesn’t diminish your assets.
You might run a 15 minute mile, but that doesn’t make you slow. That makes you a person who is getting out and moving with your body. A person who is willing to do something that hurts for the sake of your long-term health and goals. And that is beautiful.
Because no matter what body you have, or what shape that body is in, you are more valuable than I can describe. You have immense worth. You are beautiful, from the way your eyes light up when you do something you love to the way you curl your toes when you are excited. You are unique and perfectly you. You are worthy of love, most especially from yourself, without reservation.
Fortunately, we can change our internal monologue. We can change the way we talk to ourselves.
One of my favorite questions to ask myself or my clients when I notice negative self-talk happening is, “Would you talk to your kids like this?” In my case, the hubs and I don’t have any kids. But I have a wonderful niece, and I was blessed to nanny two children in my youth from their birth and through their formative years. Kids are tender creatures. They take everything you say as an authority, and it’s hard to remember that they soak up everything we say and do like a sponge.
If your child was trying to learn something new, or trying something completely foreign to them, they would struggle. And, I hope, you would encourage them in your own unique way. Maybe it would sound something like this:
Don’t give up. You can do this. Maybe think about it from another perspective? You can be proud of doing your best, even if you haven’t figured it out yet. We all struggle sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Try again?
When you’re making a lifestyle change, aren’t you trying something brand new and completely foreign? Doesn’t it take time to master new skills? Meet yourself with grace, and instead of cutting yourself down, or naming all of your faults (because we all have them), maybe you can take a breath and remember all of the things you’ve already succeeded at. Maybe you can detail what this current struggle is teaching you. And I hope, in the end, you can retain your value in the face of challenge. That you can embrace your uniqueness like this, or this!
Here’s some homework for you (because I love homework). For every negative thought you catch yourself having toward yourself, try to think of three positive things or things you value about yourself. There’s no due-date for this homework, and no grades. Just see what you can learn about yourself if you keep an open mind.
Does this post speak to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
If you’ve never seen Colbie Caillat’s video for Try, please check it out here.
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