Recently, the hubs and I have faced difficulties with the house we are turning into our home. For anyone who has refurbished an older home, I’m sure you can relate and ponder up a slew of obstacles that one faces when undertaking such a task. For those of you who have never updated an older home…think long and hard about it before jumping into it!
Now, I can honestly say that I’m super glad the hubs and I chose this route of home ownership. I love thinking about all the lives that our home has touched over the past century, about all the feet that have walked our floors and where they ended up going. Bringing life back into this house feels as therapeutic to us as it is to the neighborhood (I can’t tell you how many neighbors have come up to us raving about the great job we’re doing. And my response is usually, “Really? All I did was mow the grass…”). Plus, I love feeling like Mary Bailey from It’s A Wonderful Life.
‘This drafty old thing? Yeah, I bet I can make that awesome.’
But for all the great, amazing, mind-blowing awesome that we’ve been able to experience in our short stint here thus far, there are also stresses, unexpected setbacks, frustrations, and obstacles.
Why on earth would the previous owners botch the wiring in the kitchen like this? Why do half of the outlets go to nothing?Why does it cost so much to have a plumber come out and tighten a clamp? I could have done that!I just found money in the sink trap. Really? I mean, I’ll take free money. But, really? How did that get there? No wonder it doesn’t drain properly.
What I’ve been insightful enough to realize, though, is that it isn’t the situation that determines our enjoyment. Not to be painfully obvious, but WE determine our enjoyment of every situation that we face.
A few years ago, I was working over 40 hours a week and living on my own in an older (and yet much younger than our current) house. I had a landlord who cared for any major problems that came up, and I repeated the same draining routine day after day. Wake up, feed the cats, leave for the day, come home, make sure the cats had water, go to bed. I wasn’t paying much attention to my furry friends (sorry, babies!) and more often than not when I returned home I was agitated, short tempered, and hangry (hunger+angry).
I have one cat who adores to be outside. At this other house, I had a fenced in back yard so I would let him out for a little while while I did chores on the weekend. Both of my cats had flea collars and I used the spot preventative treatment on them, so I didn’t think there was any risk to letting him wander the back yard and roll in the dirt (you can see where this is headed, can’t you?).
One night, when I was gearing down for sleep, I was petting this love-bug in the kitchen when I noticed a scab on his nose. When I went to get a closer look, the scab RAN AWAY INTO HIS FUR. I was mortified, turned on the lights, flipped my cat onto his back and started combing through his hair. He thought it was great, because it had been so long since I’d paid good attention to him, but I was looking for fleas. And OH BOY did I find them. Somehow, these fleas didn’t seem to care about the regular spot treatments I’d been doing OR about the fact that he was wearing a collar at that moment. He was infested.
I called to my other cat, who was already in bed, and she came reluctantly and sleepily down the hall. I searched her over too; she was infested.
These little bugs were everywhere! Somehow they had gotten a foothold, despite my precautions, and I had to take care of it somehow.
I’ll spare you the details. The short version of the story is that the cats got chemical baths as frequently as was safe to kill the critters, the house got bombed 3 times, and I packed up and stayed at my parents’ until it was safe to return to ground zero. I threw out a lot of unsalvageable things, washed everything else, and took away all outside privileges. The problem was solved.
That past event has been in my mind recently because of it’s stark contrast to our current situation. You see, the whole time that was going on I was constantly angry. I was angry at the flea-prevention products that had failed me. I was angry at the cats for having fleas. I was angry at the hubs (at the time, he was the boyfriend) for washing them in the sink “wrong.” I was angry at work for being work. I was angry at myself for not noticing the problem before it was a big problem. I was ashamed of myself for having a problem at all, like it made me less valuable as a person. There was a lot of negative floating around. The hubs and I would fight (I would get irritated by him doing something wrong, he would be hurt and lash out in response). I couldn’t live in my own house, the cats didn’t understand why I wouldn’t let them near me. I was stressed, I wasn’t sleeping, it was a mess.
Fast forward to our current situation (it’s definitely not fleas, if you were wondering). You can use your imagination and make up whatever you think our setback is, because the obstacle really doesn’t matter and I don’t want you to focus on it.
‘Don’t mind these huge spots of water damage…I’ll just cover them with wallpaper! And look adorable to boot!’
The way that we are choosing to handle our stress is significantly different this time around. For example:
The hubs and I count our blessings and say our thanksgiving prayers each evening over dinner. We toast each other for something exemplary we did that day. We are grateful to be in a position to even HAVE a house that can have setbacks. We are grateful that, when unexpected expenses come up, we have enough of a handle on our finances that it doesn’t rock the boat much. We are thankful for the cats (three of them now) that find the positive in every situation and remind us that just because it’s a challenge, or an obstacle, or a setback doesn’t mean it has to be a negative, horrible, angry thing.
‘So we gave up our life savings/honeymoon fund to help other people on our wedding night. It’s alright; I’ve fixed up this abandoned old house for us. Dinner’s almost ready.’
Let me be clear that this doesn’t mean we’re floating on daisies and prancing through life stress-free. I have my freak out moments, he has his lash out moments. What it does mean is that we are valuing each other and prioritizing the positive more than the negative. We are choosing to support each other and our marriage instead of allowing ourselves to get tangled up into complaining, negative cycles. And it is a conscious decision; it would be incredibly easy to list everything wrong with every setback, to detail how frustrating or disappointing it is. But we already know that it’s frustrating and disappointing – we don’t need to dwell on it. What we DO need to dwell on is how many things we have to be thankful for.
‘What’s that? It’s Christmas Eve and you’re about to be arrested and we’ve got four kids to support while we try to save you and your business? Don’t worry, honey. We’ve got this.’
In our wedding, hubs and I wrote our own vows. Not surprisingly, we wound up using some of the same symbolism and words even though we didn’t collaborate on it (we also got each other the same wedding gift!). I vowed that I would dance with him all of my life, be it for happiness, sorrow, joys, or fears. He vowed to be my partner in the dance of life, tumbling, laughing with, crying with, and supporting each other until, breathless at last, it’s time for our next journey. We both vowed to remember first and foremost that we are each other’s team. We vowed to remember where our priorities lie, and to protect our sacred oath to each other above all else.
First photo of us ever taken. 2006, at a college social club dance.
Teaching dance, 2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2011/2012 Christmas
2012/2013 Christmas
2012
The greatest threat to our union (or anyones’) isn’t a monster or an army. It’s the daily grind of life, the setbacks, the ins and outs and happenings that pass unnoticed and unappreciated. And so we face those obstacles boldly, hand in hand, with the same fierceness as if that obstacle was a monster or an army bent on ill-intent. And somehow, when we choose to face life together like this, it makes all the difference. Even crappy situations can be like rubber bands, wrapping around us and pulling us ever closer into each other. This time, and every time setbacks come up (because they always will), we prioritize the positive in our lives and cling to that. Because, in the grand scheme of things, carving out the positive is all that really matters.
‘Because, in the end, we’re already surrounded by everything we need to overcome any obstacle.’
All images from It’s A Wonderful Life are property of Paramount Pictures by way of Liberty Films, released 1946.
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