I’ve had a lot of questions from my clients about this topic. Truth be told, I’ve always struggled with how to answer without sounding like a ball of marshmallow fluff. We all know that there’s a lot of negative in the world to drag you down and sometimes it can be a real challenge to find that elusive silver lining. But I feel that striving to find that positive balance is what it takes to prevent the walls of gloom from closing in around you.
This isn’t to say that I go through life thinking that everything is peaches and ice cream. I have days, just like the rest of you, where nothing seems to be going right or I’ve had my feelings hurt or my clothes don’t look right on me or there are so many bills to pay or…you get the idea. There’s something that I’ve learned about days like that, though, and it’s really helped me.
Having a bad day does not mean that everything in the world is bad. We humans have this tendency to spiral whenever something bad happens. And the bigger the bad (or the bigger we perceive it to be), the more destructive the spiral. Suddenly we aren’t just bad at parallel parking, we are literally the worst driver on the face of the planet and can’t do anything we try to do correctly so clearly we should just stop trying because life has defeated us. Does this ring a bell for anyone?
Now I know that genetics and brain chemistry play a role in our perception of the world. But I also know that our minds are so much more powerful than we give them credit for. Follow me on a bunny trail for a hot second, would you?
It’s so cute!
Think of your mind as the Department of Transportation, and your nervous system as the network of roads the DoT oversees. The roads that get the most traffic are also the roads that get the most attention (potholes on the interstate are generally addressed faster than potholes on an old gravel country road). In the same way, your mind maintains a quick and efficient pathway over the network of nerves that it uses most. For more (really awesome) information on this phenomenon, watch this slightly cheesy but entertaining video on the adaptation of the Central Nervous System. I will now refrain from geeking out heavily on the amazingness of the human body (for now…).
Amazingly, this also applies to our thought processes. If we are accustomed to finding the negative patterns around us, our brains will eventually adapt and start beating us to the punch, pointing out negative patterns we otherwise may not have noticed. Fortunately we are designed to be highly adaptive, meaning it doesn’t matter how old or ingrained in our habits we are, our minds can still learn new tricks! Like this trick that I’ve used for as long as I can remember:
For every singular negative thought you have, think of five positives to balance it.
“Geez, Michelle, five?!!?”
If five seems too ambitious for you right now, start with three and work your way up. The point is that we need more positive than we need negative. I think it’s most effective when your positives are related to the negative that just came up. For instance:
Traffic is awful!! But I’m glad I’m in a car and not walking everywhere I go, I’m glad I’m not currently in a car accident, this gives me some time to meditate and prepare for wherever I’m headed, being late won’t kill anybody like maniac driving could, and this tardiness will have no bearing on my value as a human being. I really hate that I just did that!! But I’m really glad that I tried to do my best even though it didn’t turn out perfectly, I know I will learn from this lesson so in the long run that’s a good thing, I am human (which means I make mistakes, but it also means I get to live this great human experience), I am still loved despite my mistake, I can try again.
So the next time you notice yourself negative self-talking, or pointing out everything that’s wrong with the situation you’re in, why not take a moment, take a breath, and try out some positive instead? Afterall,
I have my mom to thank for this outlook, which I really didn’t understand until my adult years (hang in there, young moms!). She always asked me to point out five things I was thankful for every time I was grumpy. Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to stay positive. Need a cool idea for Mother’s Day this year (yes, it’s almost here!)? Check out this idea from fellow blogger Gretchen Bossio.
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