Hey y’all, I’m back from another ridiculously long break from blogging. The past year (has it SERIOUSLY been that long since I’ve done regular blogs??) have been insane, both in the amount of trials and the abundance of blessings we have received.
Sold a house
Bought a new house
Gave birth in said new house (welcome, Baby Girl!)
Started potty training
Lost three family pets to a mysterious illness over the course of 6 months
Discovered the probable cause of pet deaths: Radon!!!
Mitigated Radon
Continued to potty train
Started an Instagram profile for work
Updated my logo!
Continued to potty train
Endured over a year of almost ceaseless illness in the house
Continued to potty train…you get the idea!
#thefaceyoumake is one of my favorite creations over the past year
As I’m clawing my way out of “mommy-hibernation” and trying to reestablish myself as a fitness professional and business owner AND supermom, I’ve been aware of a need to redefine myself in my own head. I have different priorities now than I did when I started my business. I have a different body, specifically one that has done the miracle of growing another human TWICE, not to mention that I’m shifting into a different age bracket (eek, already?!). And while I celebrate my Silver Fox gray hairs coming in, and rejoice in the stretch marks on my thighs (though maybe not so much those spider veins), it can feel like time is ripping away from me so fast that I’m left reeling and wondering who I am now.
One of my standard methods of checking in with myself, strengthening the relationship I have with ME, is being regularly physically active. I know my limits, and push them. I am honest about my body’s need for rest, and provide it (haha, just kidding, mommy doesn’t get to nap! But I do try to do something JUST FOR ME every day, whether it’s meditating, reading a cheesy book, going for a run, lighting a candle, etc). This self-romance serves to reinforce my self-worth, as I literally decide that I am worth investing in each and every day. It also helps me keep my head clear so I can focus on what’s really important in life, instead of drowning in the incessant noise of the everyday hustle.
I literally decide that I am worth investing in each and every day. And that’s a big deal, y’all.
One of the priorities I’ve set for myself in this season of my life is to compete in more races. I haven’t done an obstacle race in four years, and I haven’t done a 5k in over two years. When the opportunity came to sign up for a 5k this spring on a local airport’s runway, I waffled for about three weeks before biting the bullet and signing up.
Over those three weeks I asked myself why I felt such indecision about doing a small, local race with no obstacles and a distance I could do on any given day. And I had to get really honest with myself before I found my answer: I was worried I wouldn’t be able to perform as well as I wanted to, or as well as I had two years ago. I had allowed myself to get so wrapped up in my ability to perform a physical task that it became imperative for the survival of my self-worth that I perform optimally. The definition of “optimal” hadn’t even been fully defined in my head, but the fear of not meeting that ethereal bar stole my ability to pursue my goals, or even figure out how to articulate what my goals were.
I was going for a run one morning, trying to clear my head and feel more confident with my running ability. And while I was running in that powerful pre-dawn darkness, admiring the clouds swirling in front of the moon, I felt a peace come over me. And in that peacefulness I felt a sudden clarity that resonated through my brain:
I always feel peaceful here. Trinity Episcopal Church.
“It’s not about you.”
Talk about a wake up call.
I’d lost my perspective on why I do what I do. I’d lost my perspective on what motivates me to run in the first place. And in doing so, I’d lost the knowledge of my own self-worth.
Because my value is not dependent on me completing tasks, or meeting expectations. My value is not dependent on the works I accomplish or the Instagram posts I can get out on time, or the blog content I share. My value is not dependent on keeping my kitchen clean, or having nice hair days, or being able to remember when I last showered or what I ate for breakfast.
My worth is inherent in my person, because I am truly known and loved. Because I have a purpose in life: to improve my world and care for those in it, and with grace I pursue my purpose. Because I am able to overcome whatever challenges growth opportunities come before me by the grace that suffuses me and sustains me.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Because, at the end of the day, it’s not about what I can do to prove that I have value. It’s because of what He did on my behalf because I have value to Him.
And, beloved, you have that same value, too.
So this upcoming Saturday, I’m going to run a race. And I’m going to do my very best to run very well. Not because I need to prove to myself that I have worth. But because my best effort is the least I can do, in all that I do, to make my life a testament. (1 Cor. 9:24)
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