Patience is a Muscle

On April 13, 2019, I ran in the Run The Runway 5k in Weyers Cave, Va. Those of you who have been following along will know that this is the first race I’ve participated in for 2.5 years. If you want to read about how I was seriously stressing with performance anxiety leading up to the race, and what I did to get over it, read here! If you want to read my (totally unexpected and I’m still blown away) results, check them out here or here!

As I’ve recovered from the race mentally and physically, I’ve spent a lot of time meditating about patience and transition. I’m not going to lie, the main reason patience has been on my mind so much is because I feel like I have an inadequate supply to get me through the everyday grind of full-time parenting two toddlers. The phrase “losing my patience”implies I had it at some point, or I placed it down somewhere and forgot to pick it up again. The reality feels much more like I don’t even know the definition of that word, that foreign concept that taps out a staccato rhythm of “HEYYOUSHOULDHAVEMOREPATIENCE” in the back of my mind while I try to breathe calmly through the seething of what do you mean you pushed your sister off the couch? Why did you pee on the floor when we JUST went to the bathroom? No, I have given you three options to choose from for lunch; you will eat what has been prepared or go hungry!

What my inner monologue devolves into right around lunch time with the littles. Jennmdlc R, I feel you so hard on this one!!!

I’m sure there are a lot of full-time care-takers out there who can relate to this feeling. Or, you know, overworked employees. Underappreciated volunteer workers. Human beings. The sensation of running out of patience for an external factor is as familiar to most as it is ubiquitous.

But let’s not forget the more insidious twin of this whole patience thing: losing patience with yourself.

Maybe it’s taking longer than you’d like to complete a task. Maybe the challenge you’re facing is bigger than you thought at first. Maybe the road to your destination stretches out in front of you in a seemingly endless trudge to the ever-distant horizon. Whatever the case may be, it’s easy to feel like progress isn’t happening, and that kind of frustration can make your self-patience stores simply evaporate.

One thing I’ve found to be true about embracing impatience: it never helps anything. If it is super effective at anything, it would have to be making your situation worse.

If I speak aggressively toward those who are trying my patience, the result is almost always going to be a further breakdown of communication.

And if I speak aggressively to myself in impatience, the result is almost always going to be a further breakdown of self-efficacy and effectiveness.

So, what to do?! Saying “Gee, don’t be so impatient!” will only serve to irritate you further when not three minutes later when, in the same situation or still reeling from it, you lose your patience again. Telling yourself try harder won’t actually give you the skills you need to be successful.

Patience, like self-control, is a muscle. A mental muscle, if you will. Practice, and intentional practice at that, is needed to make notable gains. Not only do you need to spend time training your mental muscles, but you also need to give these new skills time to recover and recharge.

Increasing your patience is not about putting up with destructive behaviors or tolerating poor treatment; it is about preserving your sanity by not letting reactive emotions control your response.

I’ve got “Patience is a Muscle” written on my message board in the kitchen this week. Having the reminder there keeps me focused on my end-goal: I want to be a more patient person and parent. It helps me take those few extra seconds to breathe and throw my awareness into perspective so I’m less reactive and more intentional when, say, you’re arguing with tyrants toddlers all day and looking longingly at the clock to see when your reinforcements spouse is coming home and you can go to the bathroom by yourself at the very least, only to realize that it’s 9:30am…or is that just me?

It’s also a reminder that, when I’m in the middle of mom-grind and feeling the guilt and anxiety that comes from:

1. skipping a morning run because Baby Girl is teething and woke up so early and just wanted to be held

2. not doing the hard workout like I wanted because I’m teaching my babies how to do proper squats and push ups instead

3. resting to get over some physical limitation instead of ignoring my body’s signals and pushing too hard

that progress is still being made. I haven’t given up on myself just because it’s taking a little longer. It isn’t a race. Patience with myself means being content where I am while I am still working toward my goals. And with time, dedication, focus, and patience, anything is possible.